Years have past.
I'm ready to write again.
A new definition of myself as a mother
Looking to support and change
the definition of being a boy a man.
My definition  the definition in the world
in the face of the imbalance of genders
of society or culture or some thing
trying to change it for girls 
make it better empower them
and boys being lost in the change 
not knowing who or what or how

And I too not knowing who or what or how 
to support
to love
to open the balance
not mother and nurture too much 
but to see his tears and his strength
his vulnerability and feelings 

They are so real and good and not 
to be afraid of them 
Draw them and dance them
sing them and write them.

Homage to Marie

The cawing birds, 

 they squealed,  they squawked,  

they flew, they loved, they ate,

 they watched, 

 they lived. 

I loved the birds watching the sea, 

 the waves coming in, 

 looking for food.

 Or were they

 like us,  

just watching the sea roll in

 to offer it's rhythm, 

blessings,  

it's power, 

 magnificence,  

mindlessness

 overpowering 

magnitude 

Offering us healing

 and washing.  

indispensable water

Water,  water everywhere

rolling,  breaking,  flying 

in unison, 

 the starlings 

(or were they pipers)  

endless squeaks of calling birds,  

flying to the heavens

floating in the pools

of salted water

looking at the roofless vision 

of the sky 

the stars,  

the heavens. 

I feel I'm in heaven. 

I am in heaven. 

Heaven is. 

Is it fiction,  mama?  

heaven is real. 

hell is fiction. 

hell is real. 

he is at this age

he asks these questions 

I wonder why he doesn't know. 

He teaches me so. 

I feel like a bad mother 

I have not taught him

heaven hell adam eve

who are they

I wonder myself. 

son of adam

daughter of eve

as in the Narnia books

we're reading now. 

 



 

Miracles of the Day

Miracles abound. I have been so busy and full, out of town and all around this summer. I'm just resettling to a routine at home, deep cleaned my house and my next stop off to another adventure, maybe more. Today I have a full day to myself, looking at the miracles of my life now and always! 

I am ready for what comes. 

Today, as every day I will stay wrapped in the beautiful cloak of the Goddess's light, love, protection, abundance and guidance.  

Thank you for this miracle.

This moment

Graduation Ceremony

Being grateful for the gift of this moment. Today the last day of school, my boy is on the red team, a school-wide collaboration. I love being part of the community and its extension outward. 
My home feels stiff, time to practice sweetness, bringing fragrance and the soft musical tones of the goddess. Fun, following school, paying forward, river ferry adventures with friends. And summer solstice practice. Bring on the adventures of love and light and hold the sweet smell of change.

Inspired both by Soulemama and The Happiness Project.

Not Forcing a Solution

Today I'm focusing on NOT fixing or forcing (my) solutions onto others. This is hard for me, especially regarding my son. Oh and my husband, and oh yeah, with my father too. And my boss; okay, with everyone. It is just difficult for me to just let things go and to NOT try not to fix, solve, help, remind, solve, make an alternative, or simply (try to) change the outcome or perception.

I've been reading the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I am loving her theoretical and systematic approach. It is such a great way to see a reflection on my life, my approach and system.  I highly recommend it. It gives me great hope and insight.

I  am seeing I spend too much time worrying about the past, the future, outcomes, forethought and planning that I am wasting a lot of time and energy NOT being in the moment, in my own heart, my own feelings and my own dreams. Today I declare to stay inside my heart, in this moment, now.

Treasure Map 2013

Treasure Map 2013

This map is set over a 9 square grid like a octagonal bagua.

List climbing up the Ladder:
Meditate
Yoga
Breathe
12 Steps
Practicing peace
Kindness 
Patience
Love
Self Reflection
Awareness
Faith
Gratitude

Transition

botanical garden greenhouse

This time is so loaded, 
brimming-over-the-top loaded 
with transition, change, flux.

Spring Equinox, Passover, Easter, Aries new moon all coming or just past.

I am deep in flux internally, emotionally; 
anxious for change and new life. 

There is much fear, rather than excitement in that anxiety. Even confusion and doubt. I am seeking self examination, answers, forgiveness. Forgiveness in my own heart.

The new warmth of these past few days and the crisp light and blue skies are giving me power and strength. I've been yearning for nature and blooming. For results. During this week of spring break, we have visited the botanical garden, not yet blooming, and the Macy's flower show, in full bloom. I'm still not fully satisfied. Even my kitchen garden has produced new beautiful blooms. And yet I'm still yearning and anxious for the full production of love and joy that spring will hopefully bring to my broken heart.

botanical garden

Flower Show

Kitchen Garden

New Year Vision Collage

2013 New Year Vision Collage

New Year Vision Collage 2

Illusion of freedom

Another passage coming through. Another transition. Another new beginning. Our boy is turning six in a few weeks. Just amazing. 

Around this period, I'm remembering the time of his birth; When he was in my belly; when he wanted to come out - we had a induction day planned but he wanted to come sooner --so we ended up having an emergency C-section. He miraculously (and scientifically) arrived at 5:58AM on March 1st. What a magical day when my son was born to us!

So here I am almost six years later and so much time and growth, joy, love, learning, miracles, struggles and beauty have come to pass. I am a far different person today. Wouldn't trade it for anything. Glad for it though there have been some losses too. And today, after these years of nurture and unwillingness to give up time, I am going to go back to working full time. Actually, I never really did have a nine-to-five, its always been 3-5 part-time freelance gigs or working impossible stretches of time until the job got done. What was acceptable back then for me isn't acceptable to me with a child. The insecurities, the long travel, the overtime hours just to finish the job. None of that worked when my son was born.  Besides, I lost many of the freelance work after 9/11. And other big losses too. 

I went back to work, 3 days a week, when he was 3 months old. That was so hard but I had no choice. Lucky for our son, we have worked out a family schedule to have him with Mama or Papa, babysitter or friend until he was 3. Then Daycare or School with lots of time with either parent. We are all so blessed to be able to do that since no other family is nearby; grandparents or aunts.... Now he is in Kindergarten and we love and have a lot of involvement with his school. So happy he loves it too.

Now I want greater security and predictable hours and manageable work. Sounds so boring to my former self, perhaps to me now too, but I want to have the other stuff that those stable things make possible- time for my family, for myself, for my creativity, for being able to love and have peace in manageable and balanced ways. Making room for that is worth it. I'm sorry I didn't see that simple truth a little earlier in my life. I had then and lived by and with a different illusion of freedom than I have today.

Make Room for More

Embodied Ganesha

I am amazed at this sustained state of abundance which I've been in and surrounded by for some time now. 

It started with my intensions, planting seeds to grow and blossom, in meditation. I gratefully shared in a 21 day collective meditation through the Chopra Center. Following a guided daily mediation for 21 days (actually 22). Deepak Chopra opened each day with a new focus in limitless thinking and abundance consciousness. It was wonderful to do this and to be committed to the same focus of this group. It gave me momentum to find the time in my day to meditate as best I could. This is something I have so desired and prayed for but never seem to be able to hold too, not so consistently. Even this series allowed me to miss a day and make it up the following, within a 10 day time frame.

Meditation Drawing

The 21 day meditation began during Election week. By the end of 32 days, when I finished it, it was already December. The consciousness was opened, intentions planted and carried on. The holidays were wonderful, rich, abundant beyond any expectation, and still there is this plentitude and possibility! (I am loving it!). 

One of the amazing things is that all wishes are being fulfilled, in my family- not in a greedy way but there is Enough and just having that and feeling it is beautiful. No, I didn't get the job I interviewed for 3 times, which miraculously presented itself (and obviously wasn't right); and No we didn't get to visit my husband's family, on the other side of the world, and No, that affordable housing opportunity didn't become ours... But there Was enough for all we asked for and wanted and MORE. And it has been rich and prosperous and just downright abundant!

One of the gifts we did receive is this sacred statue of Ganesha (photo above), carved from a single moonstone. Ganesha known as the remover of obstacles or the Lord of Obstacles. Our dear friend gave it to us, as she was lead to it in a most unusual way. We have all felt profound obstructions and difficulties being lifted away since Ganesha has been in our hands, hearts and homes. Thank you dear Ganesha, please continue to embody our hearts and to stay open for your clearing of passage. Make room for more!



Oh Lord Ganesha

possessing a large body,
curved trunk,
with the brilliance of a million suns,

please make all my work
free from obstacles-

always. 

End of December

It seems I am down to this once a month posting.
That is not really my intension or my favorite thing to be doing but...I wish I was posting more frequently but....
I have to say my life has been so action packed with following through with my intensions and living my life as fully as I have in these moments of being present to myself and my family during these holi-days.

During this past month we repeated many rituals joyfully this December...

We beefed up last years's advent calendar and had fun with those activities inserted in each day (with chocolate).

Advent calendar 2012

We practiced a lot of art-making activities to give as gifts to ourselves, our home and share with others.

We celebrated my birthday 2 weeks before Christmas.

We sang, decorated, baked, cooked, stored, wrapped, read stories, hung pictures and participated in community events and celebrations-
Events like cooking night at school, participating in a Solstice ritual, various holiday parties with friends, visit to Santa, viewing holiday windows and the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall.

Some rituals and events were shared with sadness and and deep feelings of remorse-
the 11 year memorial of my dear mothers' death, still hard to move through these days without her
and of course the tragic masacre in Sandy Hook,  so shocking and touching our hearts in more ways than one. We all held each other tighter through our tears.

And we started a new ritual - a (homemade) elf "on a shelf". We jumped on that bandwagon when 2 friends at school talked about being visited by their elf. I looked up ordering one and and just couldn't bring myself to spend $39 on a little elf doll. So I made one with what I had at home. He looks a little bug-eyed and homemade but my son grew to love him especially because I found a companion horse for him that the elf would take with him each night to the north pole, to talk to Santa, and would return with him each morning.

Now it is time to make a list of all the things we did and shared in the whole year of 2012. The accomplishments, the gifts we were given, the wonderful things we shared and the promises we kept. And to celebrate and honor and be grateful for all of those things. Then carry those things into our intensions and wishes for the coming year, to plant those seeds of abundance and love and let them go out to grow through 2013. Thank you all- my family, my friends, my fellow humans- thank you for your beautiful gifts of love.

Spirit of Thanksgiving

oh my,
my last post was still October!
I have some art to share and insights to share too...
Time to do it before it is December already!

I'll be back later for that,
in the meantime I am in the living in the spirit of Gratitude today.

Tuning into that gratitude of what I have,
of what exists in my abundant world today exactly as it is,
sometimes challenging,
but sooo helpful daily to me in general
and with a special offering of gratitude and love (and sharing material things too) to those recovering from the devastation of Sandy
and those less fortunate in receiving the gifts of nourishment and love which I am so grateful for today!

Thank you.

Drawing and Cooking

This is (one of) the results of taking time for myself. 

Meditation Drawing

This is one of the results of taking care of my family, 

during Hurricane Sandy

Still working out the kinks

Still working out the kinks


Adjusting to Routine

Having Compassion

Being in Kindergarten

Waking Up

Eating enough

Sleeping Enough

Playing Enough

Physical Wellness

Working Enough

Exhaustion

Grief

Sadness

Anger

Playfulness

Screen time

Rest

Irritation

Love

Sharing

Giving

Being

Dreaming

Finding Balance

Maintaining balance

 and

 detachment

 to serve my family

 are my goals

 for

 today

September Flying

No not flying like a bird but just the "what was that that just just went by...?" kinda flying...

September

So here we are almost about to move into October. 
Every shift of September has occurred that could possibly be- 
ALL of them 
Summer ended,
School began,
Weather changed,
Rosh Hashana, 
Yom Kippor, 
Mum's 1 year Memorial (my grandmother), 
My late mothers' birthday memorial, 
My dear and first cousins' early and tragic death, 
The huge shift of building and making a new and separate room for my son, 
Starting Kindergarten,  getting into a rhythm with that, 
Then changing schools to a newer better one
Still a change with all of its extra added shifts of the emotional, physical, mental system, rhythm, and plans of each of us and as a family together.

Fun in August

Niagara Falls, Maid of the Mist

Carrousel

Carrousel Ride

Zebra Carrousel Ride

My divided heart

“To create art once you have children requires the commitment of more than one person,”    --Rachel Power 

Perfect Smmer Day

A perfect NY day of fortune, fun, surf, learning and seeing. 

They sure done make 'em like this anymore!

My sumptuous summer project in progress...

I want to live here

Bonsai by Takanori Aiba