Deep Sleep

 

Last night was the first night I slept deeply, in a month. I fell asleep with my son. I had to work hard to open my eyes this morning. Already late for work. Yesterday was my last class, my final project completed and turned in. Chapter one is completed. whew. Pursuing this program, this path, I am expanding myself, my life, my way of seeing but I still feel so doubtful as to why now. Questions such as this and others like is it worth it, keep ringing in my ears. And like the bird in the hand or 2 in the bush I question my choices... I am sacrificing time, the present, with my son among other things. choosing a lot of "don't you want to watch a movie" so I have time to do homework. And my easy irritation because I am not sleeping enough- stealing time after my boy goes to sleep to finish my projects. These are not good things. Are they worth it?


I have not felt like I have been the mother, the partner, the person I want to be in these challenging days. In all that work, school, mothering, worrying, cramming, figuring, pushing, expanding and seeking. Not surprisingly, I have found that I have sacrificed some of my self-care and peaceful practices as well- practices that have proven to help and support me in the past to stay mindful and centered- sober in every sense. I have developed some new practices though, more truncated ones I guess. Yet, I have sustained some moments of peace and sharing peace.

This check-in here, this blog, connecting to this peace, this community, and to others, my dear friends, in my local community. Though posting has been infrequent, it has all been a great reminder and a practice in itself. Making commitment and hearing other commitments to peace, in the day to day. The day to day courage of others. That has sustained me. 

Thank you all.


So I continue to find ways to make peace, give my piece to peace, in each day. And my commitment is to continue through this month of December to be present to myself, my family, my loved ones and to all. Peaceful, present, mindful and loving.

December

 

The last month of the year is here. 

This month has Christmas and all that is intended, given and received for this holiday and it also includes all the difficulties in and around this holiday that exists in ourselves and the world today- and those challenges. 

It also has my birthday which is also both challenging and celebratory. 

but the most challenging of them all is my mothers death day, falling between Christmas and my birthday- that memorial, is on December 17th. 

 It will be 9 years ago this year, that she left this earth and moved to the stars.

Despite all of this, we followed the 4th year of our family tradition and got a tree last night- a fresh tree just come in from Canada this family bring them in every year around the corner from our house. We fully decorated it with my mothers old ornaments which she hadn't used for the last 6 years of her life, and we finally collected them, for the first time, from storage in Pennsylvania earlier this year. What a joyous and fun filled night! What a treat it was for us all! For me just revisiting these ornaments after 15 years. And my son especially loved seeing the cowgirl, the violin, birdcage, nutcracker and all the fun animals and international and antique ornaments my mother had! What a beautiful and simple tree! Little tree, Thank you for sacrificing your life for our celebration of Peace and love in the world.

We are starting our own tradition this year and celebrating Christmas at home with just the 3 of us, instead of traveling to extended family and celebrating together with them. We make this choice, this year, because of our plans to visit our Korean family later, and having gone to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving, with an added treat- a visit from my Grandmother, Aunt and Uncle who live in Santa Fe. My host Aunt and Uncle in PA, had already decorated their house for Christmas expecting our visit- with many trees and years of collected decorations!

My gratitude for all of these things and life as it is now, even with all of its challenges, including my mounds of homework due on 12/14, extends today for all that we have! Thank you to all my personal, worldwide and online friends and family for supporting, loving and sharing with us in our lives and in this journey. We send much the same to you all with love and peace.

Giving Thanks

I take this week, this day, this breath, to give a deep and thoughtful Thanks for everything I have today, 
just exactly as it is.

Thank you for this day that we all can give thanks together- I am especially grateful that my husband, son & I will spend Thanksgiving weekend with my Grandmother, my father, Aunts, Uncles and cousins.

My beloved ancestor

Finally a visual.  

Though not a "pretty" one.

Here is  an odd visual of stick puppet of a "beloved ancestor"- my mother, Marie. I included with her, her deeply loved dogs Sophie and Rosie, the Westie girls. This was my mother at a happy time in her life. She was a bit more stylish than depicted but she was casual gardening in jeans. Hard to make stylish with silly stick puppets. 

I had so much fun making her that I want to make more puppets- of my whole family. My son loves it too and wants me to make one of himself. We can act out with them, play act do emotions and tell stories. This is my next project to do with my son, we'll start tomorrow.

The gravity of creating

I sit here, late, trying to edit and perfect my title picture. Reveal, not reveal. Just like many things, none of it is going to be as I imagine- sometimes better sometime not, yet that all has to do with looking from the outside in rather than looking from my center out. That is where I'd rather be and to view from.

Not being a writer, but a visual artist, it is awkward to be speaking to an audience and tip-toeing around my truth, my identity, my life and yet revealing all the same. Using only words.

A dear friend who has helped me immensely,  one of the most delicious writers  (and visual artists) I have ever met sits on my shoulder and encourages me. She believes in me in ways I don't even see. She supports me with words and books. I owe it to her, and to another inspiring friend in D.C., that I am continuing on this path of blog sharing. Naked without my pictures.

I have journeyed into alot of art making and real creativity this past week. I taught a lot of classes to children which was exciting and refreshing. Plus in the class I am taking, I have a studio practice too. I just finished making a wonderful puppet of a "beloved ancestor". I chose my mother, Marie who lives up in the stars. It gives me a sense of gravity I have forgotten I need to hold me up, just to make things and to be working with the materials. I am loving this gravity!

My baby calls me. It is late, he feels cold and wants the comfort and warmth of his mother. I'll show some visuals soon...

Peace Piece Part 1.2

I haven't posted in so long I, once again, feel awkward and tentative to begin.

I have written in my head so many times, sometimes with pen even, but my fingers have not.

I have been so busy these past weeks. Trying to fit it all in. and Following through with my intensions and actions of presence, focus, healing and practicing my little 'bit here and little bit there'. In all that, writing and sharing with this larger audience has come last. So here I am today, to just give my little bit to report on my October commitment and clarify my November commitment to Peace, briefly.

All in all, October was a challenge but a learning challenge on the path of "being the peace; being the person I want others to be". As I said I have been practicing. Doing a bit here, a bit there and that feels 100% better than trying to do all of this and all of that and finding it impossible. 

I noticed when I didn't practice, things went wrong and I found myself feeling awful. Each time, each day has been a new lesson. I have found how important my awareness and gratitude has been in this process. 

I am so grateful I have been given the opportunity, in October and still in November to find healing, and my process to find and create the space of peace around me.

I yet have a long way to go. My intention, my commitment  to this Peace project is to continue my October commitment to be the person I want others to be and to be the person I believe the universe wants me to be. Thank you for giving me the space to recommit to this  and share in this commitment with others.

Walk the walk.

Be peace.

Be the piece.

Together...let's piece together peace.

 

Things I love number 5

Driving upstate to see
the autumn leaves
and
other treasures.

Fall berries

Maya Lin

A Folded Drawing