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| 2013 New Year Vision Collage |
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| New Year Vision Collage 2 |
Friday, February 22, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Illusion of freedom
Another passage coming through. Another transition. Another new beginning. Our boy is turning six in a few weeks. Just amazing.
Around this period, I'm remembering the time of his birth; When he was in my belly; when he wanted to come out - we had a induction day planned but he wanted to come sooner --so we ended up having an emergency C-section. He miraculously (and scientifically) arrived at 5:58AM on March 1st. What a magical day when my son was born to us!
So here I am almost six years later and so much time and growth, joy, love, learning, miracles, struggles and beauty have come to pass. I am a far different person today. Wouldn't trade it for anything. Glad for it though there have been some losses too. And today, after these years of nurture and unwillingness to give up time, I am going to go back to working full time. Actually, I never really did have a nine-to-five, its always been 3-5 part-time freelance gigs or working impossible stretches of time until the job got done. What was acceptable back then for me isn't acceptable to me with a child. The insecurities, the long travel, the overtime hours just to finish the job. None of that worked when my son was born. Besides, I lost many of the freelance work after 9/11. And other big losses too.
I went back to work, 3 days a week, when he was 3 months old. That was so hard but I had no choice. Lucky for our son, we have worked out a family schedule to have him with Mama or Papa, babysitter or friend until he was 3. Then Daycare or School with lots of time with either parent. We are all so blessed to be able to do that since no other family is nearby; grandparents or aunts.... Now he is in Kindergarten and we love and have a lot of involvement with his school. So happy he loves it too.
Now I want greater security and predictable hours and manageable work. Sounds so boring to my former self, perhaps to me now too, but I want to have the other stuff that those stable things make possible- time for my family, for myself, for my creativity, for being able to love and have peace in manageable and balanced ways. Making room for that is worth it. I'm sorry I didn't see that simple truth a little earlier in my life. I had then and lived by and with a different illusion of freedom than I have today.
Around this period, I'm remembering the time of his birth; When he was in my belly; when he wanted to come out - we had a induction day planned but he wanted to come sooner --so we ended up having an emergency C-section. He miraculously (and scientifically) arrived at 5:58AM on March 1st. What a magical day when my son was born to us!
So here I am almost six years later and so much time and growth, joy, love, learning, miracles, struggles and beauty have come to pass. I am a far different person today. Wouldn't trade it for anything. Glad for it though there have been some losses too. And today, after these years of nurture and unwillingness to give up time, I am going to go back to working full time. Actually, I never really did have a nine-to-five, its always been 3-5 part-time freelance gigs or working impossible stretches of time until the job got done. What was acceptable back then for me isn't acceptable to me with a child. The insecurities, the long travel, the overtime hours just to finish the job. None of that worked when my son was born. Besides, I lost many of the freelance work after 9/11. And other big losses too.
I went back to work, 3 days a week, when he was 3 months old. That was so hard but I had no choice. Lucky for our son, we have worked out a family schedule to have him with Mama or Papa, babysitter or friend until he was 3. Then Daycare or School with lots of time with either parent. We are all so blessed to be able to do that since no other family is nearby; grandparents or aunts.... Now he is in Kindergarten and we love and have a lot of involvement with his school. So happy he loves it too.
Now I want greater security and predictable hours and manageable work. Sounds so boring to my former self, perhaps to me now too, but I want to have the other stuff that those stable things make possible- time for my family, for myself, for my creativity, for being able to love and have peace in manageable and balanced ways. Making room for that is worth it. I'm sorry I didn't see that simple truth a little earlier in my life. I had then and lived by and with a different illusion of freedom than I have today.
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