This Life (inspired by Deb (& her dreams fulfilled)]

Madonna of Mercy


I've been inspired and terrified. I attended my first class today. The first class in a program I've had a vision to follow. A path I have been dreaming of...but not too grandly or clearly, but vaguely, in the back of my heart. With a sinking and never believable feeling of "I can never do that". Though, I've researched, negotiated, written, applied, suffered and planned this. Plus I've been given unbelievable support & encouragement and still I feel not sure. But like everything else that feels frightening and unknown, unbelievable, undoable in my life (and there seem to be A LOT of them today) I am being, almost forced, to just be in this moment. This day, this exact moment. And here in this moment, it is great. It is happening. It is doing. It is perfect. and. I am grateful.

This vision path has been forming for a long time and I am not sure it has even been forming, but maybe some seeds were planted and now it is forming. It gives me all the parts of who I am, and who I have been, and who I will be a place, a role and more. It has bigger room for who I am becoming as a mother, as a human, as a teacher, as a seeker, as a healer, as an inventor, as an artist of this life, in this life.

Tiny Increments [to Making a Truck]

Other than covering the box with paper, I didn't participate in panting this Truck in progress...

Although, I painted the half circle for the windshield.

and the circles for the headlights.

The truck is still in creation. So as a finale, I show instead this new gifted (Thank you Fran!) double-sided carrying box my 3 year old son Luuuvvveeesss to fill, though, it then, becomes too heavy for him to carry.


A quick note to say how grateful I am to be learning and discovering my purpose in this world, in this life- to be the best Mom I can be. Everyday, I learn to not only be a better person for my self and for my son but to be a better parent for my son- conscious, intentioned, present, positive, joyful, inquisitive and kind.

I don't do any of those thing well or even reasonably well, none-the-less perfectly, far from it, but I'm learning to grow in tiny increments closer every day... There are many setbacks but I see that being open to and recognizing the mistakes I make rather than just living in fear, worry and guilt over them makes me learn from them, acknowledge them and have the ability to change them.

Wonder-Filled Day (Part 2 of Things I Love Series)

Trying to find an easy way to add my photos from my different electronic sources. That perfection comes slowly, with practice and I don't practice (post) often enough yet. So for now no photos.

Today was a wonder-filled day. Actually, now it is "yesterday" as the clock strikes Twelve. But it was wonder-filled all the same.

1. It was my free day.

Free from both work and childcare. Not that I don't love spending time with my child, and I am learning to love my job but, it was my day to be free. I really enjoyed it, I got to spend my day worry-free and exactly as I wanted (with the option to worry if I wanted to do so). I didn't stay home and take care of bills, or hounding paperwork, or unfinished office work, or undone family business, or laundry, or housework, or researching on the computer, or looking and answering email. I just took the day off. I enjoyed the day. I went out. I met friends, I talked on the phone, I walked around, I window shopped without over-spending, deprivation or envy. I got such spiritual and emotional food from this day in sunshine, in the city.

2. Collaborated on the creation of a Family Schedule.

The glorious-ness of the day started by my completing, with my partner, a family schedule. Like a drawing model of the family life we both want. It may take some time to live in to this schedule but it has added bonuses such as one hour a day of 'Sheila time' (even though it is 6-7AM). It has an earlier bedtime for my son (we will work toward this). It includes 'Couple time', a slot for my husband and I to be together alone (even though it may sometimes be spent with each of us on our own electronic devises). And it has family time. This schedule is just a rough draft of the more refined and detailed one to come. Though, it may have taken 3+ years to get to this point -we are here now.

3. It was Day 5 of my boy wearing underpants.

When he woke up on Sunday and out-of-the-blue stated "I want to wear underpants today", I was completely surprised and awed at how these things suddenly work (everyone has said it just happens one day). Previous, it has been huge bribery just to get him to sit on the potty. Not to mention, the emotional ruthlessness my mind has tortured me with calling myself shameful mother-inadequacy names- like "failure", "try-harder", "read more books" and hearing "he's still in diapers" and then the "why didn't I use cloth diapers". Well, we immediately went out and bought 2 new packs of 7 different Action-packed, overly licensed, superhero underpants. Every character imaginable in these packs from Wall-E to Spiderman, Buzz Lightyear to Captain America. A true Jackpot! This is possibly one of the only places where those kind of marketing ploys are truly valuable!

And here we are, still bribing him to sit on the potty, but mildly now. And on Day 3 he not only peed in the potty but pooped in the potty! A minor miracle! Accidents still happen but it is a world different! And as my dear friend Lynda says "It only takes a minute for a miracle to happen!"

All of those things together made my day a positive miracle in the making.

Reminder

"...the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle."

--Thich Nhat Hanh

The Vanity of Control

Lisa dancing in front of my illumined paintings "Peace Scrolls" at Castleton 12

See this and other work at Castleton 12
http://ubihaus.blogspot.com/2010/07/august-7-castleton-twelve-group-exhibit.html

Every little step in this journey of parenting is so joyous but yet frightfully precarious. What we feed our child(ren), how we discipline, the words used, the approach taken, enough focused time together or enough time for them to play and imagine themselves. Too much movie watching, not enough time at the park, need to have time for doing my own busy work, none-the-less, self care. How to discipline and change the limits of things that have been permissible before. Avoiding the meltdowns or even to simply remain calm during a meltdown. Teaching boundaries and my own journey learning them (boundaries) myself. What a mirror my child is of my own behavior.

And then, the most difficult one of all, is getting square and agreeable with my partner when it come to all these seemingly minor actions, reactions, behaviors and disciplines.

All in all we are just learning to live together in a space (a home, a family) that is agreeable, peaceful, productive and loving for all.

Moving Water

A long time has past since I last posted. I've really been waiting until I have more time, but it is just not coming. I am fuller and busier than ever. Though this heat has been awful for weeks and weeks, with only short periods of cooling, many things have past through me and still are.

Like sadness- we lost our cat Charlie at 16 years old. I cared for him like a new born, after he took a sudden and drastic turn in this awful heat. I waited until he told me he was really ready to go back to the stars he had come from.

That is what my boy said.

Though things seem to stand still in August, Ive been in a state of anxiousness. The stickiness plays a great role in my tendency for irritation, and teaching a class of 20 teenagers and all their dramas. Plus new family challenges- like my son having to visit the emergency room and have a staple put in his head and then the even more difficult experience of having it removed.

The great thing is that I have been able to be present to all those things and that makes it really fuller and better even though I dont know how the time goes so fast.

We went up the Hudson river last weekend to install some work in an art exhibition. I will post a few pictures of some of the amazing views from the building both my husband and my work is in. The opening reception is tonight. More will come later.








This is my work, titled Peace Scrolls, painted in 2005 for an exhibition in Hiroshima, Japan during the 60th anniversary of the Hiroshima bomb.