In the Company of Buddha

My dear friend, a practicing Tibetan Buddhist, had a vision, just after he sent out his prayer to Chen Resi for my Grandmother to reach enlightenment. He described seeing her seated on a lotus flower, radiating a glowing light and gloriously in the company of Buddha and the enlightened beings. Wow! What a beautiful vision. How comforting too. I bow and pray to my dear Mum, to relieve my family, particularly my father, myself and all humans in this world of all our sufferings. We really need it today!

Toward the LIGHT

I am sad today and a lot these days. September, always a difficult month for me, especially because my mother's birthday falls on the 20th. This colors the whole month, even more so than the month she died. I was so angry at her for dying in the month of December, I thought it would forever ruin that magical month, which includes my birthday and Christmas. But drat, it is not the only month "ruined" with loss and sorrow.  This September is especially bad for more reasons than the anniversary of 9/11, the loss of my mother and the loss of my unborn child. And even the 10th anniversary of all those things...

I am sad for my son too. I see myself through him and what he is missing from me, the things I am missing in myself. I am so lost in this time of uncertainty. This makes me focused on trying to make sure to be here for the things that are here. And thus, I am not giving all I wish I could. Things like giving in, playing,  joyful creativity and loving togetherness. Those are missing. I can't even fathom the idea or the time to make things, or to play things together. We play in the park, play board or card games, we read, he reads, we eat, we plan and talk about things, we have life. and together all 3 of us. And yet I'm busy trying to set traditions, make some rules and boundaries and find it is all a struggle. Plus, I feel continually compelled to teach him, and often expect him to be more cooperative than he is. And I wish it could just be fun. I wish I could be fun. He is mostly always fun and joyful, until I try to control him or change his direction. Then he puts up a big resistance which usually begins and ends with tears and tantrums. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. We have all had much fun this summer. I am grateful for the connections we've made and still making. the things we've done. I am recognizing that I am missing creating things, having that kind of fun together.

Saying all of that, though it may be true, but I am somewhat disoriented with this and many of my other recent deep revelations. The truth is, at this time, I cant do anything. The inner and outer air is heavy with sorrow and I have to remember that I am here- holding the space in my heart, now and much this month, for those personal losses, my mother, my unborn child, and then all those larger hearts and losses too. And now too, holding space for my dear grandmother transitioning from this world, to go up to the stars, toward the light.

Heal Thyself!

Today is a day for self-care of sorts.

Started out with Family therapy. Difficult, but good. We came out feeling better than we went in that is for sure. Shocking, since we just re-hashed our heightened and cyclical tensions. But there is something so good about bringing the truth to light and a good mediator is so wonderful. I have no prior experience with this success, but I am grateful. After 3 others, this therapist is so lovely and helpful.

Magnolia Bakery treat next. Worth the few dollars it cost. Total $4.50. Scrumptious peach cobbler ($3.00). The small cupcake size was perfect and relatively inexpensive at Magnolia, world-famous perfect cupcake bakery. The cobbler topping so reminded me of the delicious taste of my grandmothers extra pie crusts we would eat, sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon. And the fruit softened by baking is always a treat to taste. Like a mini peach pie! Plus, I enjoyed the peach cobbler with a lovely cup of fair-trade coffee with warm milk ($1.50).

Next stop to the "diamond district" to sell some jewelry. I was there recently, and they recognized me. I'm sorry to say I have to spend that first sale money on paying my bills but hoping this time to put these few dollars in savings. Doing this and having it is really comforting to me. More so that having the jewelry as a security "when i really need it". Well now is that time and I am happy to have it in monetary bills rather than in an imaginary security.

Then, I was headed to a special spiritual meeting, deciding between one at 12:15, 12:30 or 1:00 (I love that abundance). I got a text from my husband that we both had to be present to apply for marriage registration at the consulate. I went there next, waiting patiently in line. I was ultimately able to attend the last half of the 1:00 meeting. That was so good, even just that little bit of grace I received by entering the room and being there.

Now I am home. Paid my rent. Made some healthy phone calls and took care of myself today. I am ready to pick up my boy. Pick up our CSA box of vegetables at the community center. Go home, make dinner. Play together some. Plan our adventure day together tomorrow, just the 2 of us. Then go to bed and rest.