It seems suddenly 3 MAJOR things we have been pushing and trying and waiting to solve have finally summed up, actualized, been resolved. All in the same 24 hours. A day named Conception Day.
Like some kind of miracle they all, completely independent of each other and all 3 in a matter of 24 hours of each other. Quite amazing.
These 3 separate things have been spinning, dragging, unreasonably lingering without any relief. Each of them have been entirely and with complete frustration un solvable no matter what action or non action taken. Each of them we have acted in the impossible and gone to every length to get some resolve and still nothing, until this past 24 hours. And each of them has gone on for far too long and laughably beyond comprehension. The 1st since last June (unwelcome visitors over extending their stay, now gone), 2nd since July (a health insurance issue, resolved), and the 3rd since January (an employment contract finally agreed upon).
It is as if something opened, or changed, or broke through the energy vacuum, like a tight dam. And all of a sudden the rain came and things bloomed and every one drank freely from the fountain. And I am so awed and grateful. And to think it all came at once and coincidentally on this day; a day named Conception Day (March 22, 2012) being 9 months before the birth of the new world, December 22, 2012. Who woulda thunk?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The heart space
Well no matter what I dream, wish, vision, desire, fret, mull, worry, or fear. I have to remember that the MOST important thing is to keep my heart space open for the wonder, joy and fullness of love, pure love.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Mulling, musing, fretting
Having been mulling, musing, fretting over the subject of my last post for the past few weeks and still.The subject being my dreams, being an artist, my identity, my new identity, motherhood, my visions, fulfilling them, seeking them, and the ever present "what now?".
I've got a lot to say and no time.
I've got a lot to say and no time.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
How can I support my dream(s)?
As I am evolving...How can I support my dreams? They are shifting, changing, as I am.
I lived to make art, that is what I followed, created, did, studied, ate, drank, viewed, dreamed, wanted ...it made me happy, fulfilled. I had a way to say what I needed, to communicate, to express, to share my spirit.
When I shifted my focus to mothering my child (and keeping my job), 5 years ago, there wasn't room for art making. My time and energy went to parenting, to all the pedantic, mundane and creative things in being there, feeding and making that dream - raising my child. my family, creating a place of love and joy and mindfulness; Not recreating the horrors of my past, but learning and making better choices for this child, toward the things I believe are most important today.
Art for the sake of art did not seem relevant to all that. I was creating differently, not exactly tangibly.
I have made some art in these years, kitchen art, photography, costumes, holiday environments, book pages, toy designs, space imaginings, drawings, graphics, collages, and blogging. Here and there and out of boxes and drawers and kitchen cabinets, sketching on the subway and on my home computer. I started under-the-bed boxed projects and have made commitments to be consistent and steadfast...10 minutes a day...70 minutes a week...and as meditation. And there isn't much to show for it, but I believe there will be.
In some ways I try to justify my choices, that the fulfillment I got from art making is replaced or refilled by raising my child and other life directions and designs; choices...FROM THE INSIDE OUT...I've made and continue to make as I evolve and grow, redefine and clarify my self, my dreams, my ideas of what art making is, of what creativity is, of what feeds me, makes me happy and is relevant and fulfilling to me today.
And I guess I continue following the path of discovery and commitment to my journey and my goals and dream of having it all fit together, supported. supporting, fun, fulfilling and full of love and creativity. Even though sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, haunted by fears and the "what am I going to be when i grow up" and "how am I going to get to that dream" believing I never will and cant see any way that any choice is ever going to lead me there. but then I also wake up and can start again and find the joy and enjoy the moment and be grateful for what I have and the choices I make every day.
(I am reminded of one really large piece I made with thread and pins, at my studio on 38 Av. in 1999-2000, It took me months to finish. It was ambitious. I couldn't transport it to be in the exhibition I was preparing for, nor could I take decent photographs of it (what was I thinking when I began it?). It was so much about the space it created, the drawing, the scale. It became a symbol of me, for me, of spirit energy, femininity, goddess, far bigger than I and where it could take me by making it. I miss the ability to work in that scale. I long for the space. the openness. The room of my own.)
I lived to make art, that is what I followed, created, did, studied, ate, drank, viewed, dreamed, wanted ...it made me happy, fulfilled. I had a way to say what I needed, to communicate, to express, to share my spirit.
When I shifted my focus to mothering my child (and keeping my job), 5 years ago, there wasn't room for art making. My time and energy went to parenting, to all the pedantic, mundane and creative things in being there, feeding and making that dream - raising my child. my family, creating a place of love and joy and mindfulness; Not recreating the horrors of my past, but learning and making better choices for this child, toward the things I believe are most important today.
Art for the sake of art did not seem relevant to all that. I was creating differently, not exactly tangibly.
I have made some art in these years, kitchen art, photography, costumes, holiday environments, book pages, toy designs, space imaginings, drawings, graphics, collages, and blogging. Here and there and out of boxes and drawers and kitchen cabinets, sketching on the subway and on my home computer. I started under-the-bed boxed projects and have made commitments to be consistent and steadfast...10 minutes a day...70 minutes a week...and as meditation. And there isn't much to show for it, but I believe there will be.
In some ways I try to justify my choices, that the fulfillment I got from art making is replaced or refilled by raising my child and other life directions and designs; choices...FROM THE INSIDE OUT...I've made and continue to make as I evolve and grow, redefine and clarify my self, my dreams, my ideas of what art making is, of what creativity is, of what feeds me, makes me happy and is relevant and fulfilling to me today.
And I guess I continue following the path of discovery and commitment to my journey and my goals and dream of having it all fit together, supported. supporting, fun, fulfilling and full of love and creativity. Even though sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, haunted by fears and the "what am I going to be when i grow up" and "how am I going to get to that dream" believing I never will and cant see any way that any choice is ever going to lead me there. but then I also wake up and can start again and find the joy and enjoy the moment and be grateful for what I have and the choices I make every day.
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| Passageway, 2000 |
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| detail |
(I am reminded of one really large piece I made with thread and pins, at my studio on 38 Av. in 1999-2000, It took me months to finish. It was ambitious. I couldn't transport it to be in the exhibition I was preparing for, nor could I take decent photographs of it (what was I thinking when I began it?). It was so much about the space it created, the drawing, the scale. It became a symbol of me, for me, of spirit energy, femininity, goddess, far bigger than I and where it could take me by making it. I miss the ability to work in that scale. I long for the space. the openness. The room of my own.)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Five Year Anniversary
This past day has been the fifth anniversary of my new job as mother, parent, mama, protector, provider, soother, playmate, entertainer, orator, listener, magician, inventor, storyteller, manager, chef, day designer, teacher, heavy, discipline-r, researcher and student.
Five years of joy learning and practicing to be a better person. Learning how to create an environment and life of love, creativity, kindness and joy!
What a journey, what a joy, what a blessing I have have been given.
Five years of joy learning and practicing to be a better person. Learning how to create an environment and life of love, creativity, kindness and joy!
What a journey, what a joy, what a blessing I have have been given.
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