End of December

It seems I am down to this once a month posting.
That is not really my intension or my favorite thing to be doing but...I wish I was posting more frequently but....
I have to say my life has been so action packed with following through with my intensions and living my life as fully as I have in these moments of being present to myself and my family during these holi-days.

During this past month we repeated many rituals joyfully this December...

We beefed up last years's advent calendar and had fun with those activities inserted in each day (with chocolate).

Advent calendar 2012

We practiced a lot of art-making activities to give as gifts to ourselves, our home and share with others.

We celebrated my birthday 2 weeks before Christmas.

We sang, decorated, baked, cooked, stored, wrapped, read stories, hung pictures and participated in community events and celebrations-
Events like cooking night at school, participating in a Solstice ritual, various holiday parties with friends, visit to Santa, viewing holiday windows and the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall.

Some rituals and events were shared with sadness and and deep feelings of remorse-
the 11 year memorial of my dear mothers' death, still hard to move through these days without her
and of course the tragic masacre in Sandy Hook,  so shocking and touching our hearts in more ways than one. We all held each other tighter through our tears.

And we started a new ritual - a (homemade) elf "on a shelf". We jumped on that bandwagon when 2 friends at school talked about being visited by their elf. I looked up ordering one and and just couldn't bring myself to spend $39 on a little elf doll. So I made one with what I had at home. He looks a little bug-eyed and homemade but my son grew to love him especially because I found a companion horse for him that the elf would take with him each night to the north pole, to talk to Santa, and would return with him each morning.

Now it is time to make a list of all the things we did and shared in the whole year of 2012. The accomplishments, the gifts we were given, the wonderful things we shared and the promises we kept. And to celebrate and honor and be grateful for all of those things. Then carry those things into our intensions and wishes for the coming year, to plant those seeds of abundance and love and let them go out to grow through 2013. Thank you all- my family, my friends, my fellow humans- thank you for your beautiful gifts of love.

Spirit of Thanksgiving

oh my,
my last post was still October!
I have some art to share and insights to share too...
Time to do it before it is December already!

I'll be back later for that,
in the meantime I am in the living in the spirit of Gratitude today.

Tuning into that gratitude of what I have,
of what exists in my abundant world today exactly as it is,
sometimes challenging,
but sooo helpful daily to me in general
and with a special offering of gratitude and love (and sharing material things too) to those recovering from the devastation of Sandy
and those less fortunate in receiving the gifts of nourishment and love which I am so grateful for today!

Thank you.

Drawing and Cooking

This is (one of) the results of taking time for myself. 

Meditation Drawing

This is one of the results of taking care of my family, 

during Hurricane Sandy

Still working out the kinks

Still working out the kinks


Adjusting to Routine

Having Compassion

Being in Kindergarten

Waking Up

Eating enough

Sleeping Enough

Playing Enough

Physical Wellness

Working Enough

Exhaustion

Grief

Sadness

Anger

Playfulness

Screen time

Rest

Irritation

Love

Sharing

Giving

Being

Dreaming

Finding Balance

Maintaining balance

 and

 detachment

 to serve my family

 are my goals

 for

 today

September Flying

No not flying like a bird but just the "what was that that just just went by...?" kinda flying...

September

So here we are almost about to move into October. 
Every shift of September has occurred that could possibly be- 
ALL of them 
Summer ended,
School began,
Weather changed,
Rosh Hashana, 
Yom Kippor, 
Mum's 1 year Memorial (my grandmother), 
My late mothers' birthday memorial, 
My dear and first cousins' early and tragic death, 
The huge shift of building and making a new and separate room for my son, 
Starting Kindergarten,  getting into a rhythm with that, 
Then changing schools to a newer better one
Still a change with all of its extra added shifts of the emotional, physical, mental system, rhythm, and plans of each of us and as a family together.

Fun in August

Niagara Falls, Maid of the Mist

Carrousel

Carrousel Ride

Zebra Carrousel Ride

My divided heart

“To create art once you have children requires the commitment of more than one person,”    --Rachel Power 

Perfect Smmer Day

A perfect NY day of fortune, fun, surf, learning and seeing. 

They sure done make 'em like this anymore!

My sumptuous summer project in progress...

I want to live here

Bonsai by Takanori Aiba

Still time to

Strawberry Field

Tangled web

Folded Drawing, by Stephen Talasnik, Storm King Sculpture Park, NY, 2010

I love this sculpture and the complex pathways as seen through a long depth of field. This work, this image is just a snippet of the way I feel in a tangled web of space, time and structured paths.

Today, I choose to put a hopeful and positive outlook at the forefront of my vision. Fear and anxiety stand guard in the background, ready to jump forward if I falter from this conscious decision to just make the next right action, even if that is being mindful of my feet and where they stand at this moment.

Gifts of Gratitude

 "Service to others is the rent we pay for our room here on earth."

---Shirley Chisholm

Maneuvering the wind

I
am not afraid 
of storms 
for I am learning 
how to sail
my ship.


Louisa May Alcott

Hope

Avalon

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

--Emily Dickenson

My project this summer

To make art, have fun, have time, enjoy my life, my son, my husband, romance, lovemaking, joy, love, kindness, abundance, gratitude, sharing, creativity, friends, family, sunshine, nature, cool breezes, wonderful memories, art, vision, enjoying all that I do, richness, connection, connectedness, Goddess-willed, expansion, openness, space, new living, abundant earnings, abundant healing, easy choices, inspired decisions, mindfulness, dreams fulfilled.

Things always take [much] longer than I imagine

Yes,
It is true
Things always take much longer than I imagine but... really

Goddess,

Please bring my ability to support myself, my family, my dreams, my visions to fruition soon. I am stuffing myself to keep down the fears. Now is a really good time. Couldn't be sooner!

I know my intention was to send out 10 applications and I only sent one...I know I said there would be no attachment, just letting it go but yet I had to compose my words carefully, express myself intelligently, precisely. It helps me to form my ideas more clearly.

It is through the steps I take, the courage I muster that I am trusting more fearlessly that that life of love and kindness, support and supportedness, gratitude, service and joy are mine.

love,
CreatiVision Mother

Focus on the miracle

I must have NO emotional attachment to any outcome tomorrow. This is true for me on all counts of my life at this moment. Actually, that is not a bad practice in general. It tends to keep me clear, hopeful & faith-filled.


I need to remain focused on the miraculous power of love.

My heart is moved by all I cannot save:


so much has been destroyed


I have to cast my lot with those


who age after age, perversely,


with no extraordinary power,


reconstitute the world."

Adrienne Rich

True Spring Rebirth

It is spring weather for days, beautiful and crisp and bright. 
Luminous. 
And no rain (not spring like). 
And so many amazing happenings, transformative happenings in my life and those around me that I feel so blessed and grateful for the earth and universal movements. 
Each day a process, not an easy process, but step by step we move with intention, toward the a transformation of Re-birth.
Like the flowers 
like the trees
like Jesus.

Conception Day

It seems suddenly 3 MAJOR things we have been pushing and  trying and waiting to solve have finally summed up, actualized, been resolved. All in the same 24 hours. A day  named Conception Day.

Like some kind of miracle they all, completely independent of each other and all 3 in a matter of 24 hours of each other. Quite amazing.

These 3 separate things have been spinning, dragging, unreasonably lingering without any relief. Each of them have been entirely and with complete frustration un solvable no matter what action or non action taken. Each of them we have acted in the impossible and gone to every length to get some resolve and still nothing, until this past 24 hours. And each of them has gone on for far too long and laughably beyond comprehension. The 1st since last June (unwelcome visitors over extending their stay, now gone), 2nd since July (a health insurance issue, resolved), and the 3rd since January (an employment contract finally agreed upon).

It is as if something opened, or changed, or broke through the energy vacuum, like a tight dam. And all of a sudden the rain came and things bloomed and every one drank freely from the fountain. And I am so awed and grateful. And to think it all came at once and coincidentally on this day; a day named Conception Day (March 22, 2012) being 9 months before the birth of the new world, December 22, 2012. Who woulda thunk?

The heart space

Well no matter what I dream, wish, vision, desire, fret, mull, worry, or fear. I have to remember that the MOST important thing is to keep my heart space open for the wonder, joy and fullness of love, pure love.

Mulling, musing, fretting

Having been mulling, musing, fretting over the subject of my last post for the past few weeks and still.The subject being my dreams, being an artist, my identity, my new identity, motherhood, my visions, fulfilling them, seeking them, and the ever present "what now?".

I've got a lot to say and no time.

How can I support my dream(s)?

As I am evolving...How can I support my dreams? They are shifting, changing, as I am.

I lived to make art, that is what I followed, created, did, studied, ate, drank, viewed, dreamed, wanted ...it made me happy, fulfilled. I had a way to say what I needed, to communicate, to express, to share my spirit.

When I shifted my focus to mothering my child (and keeping my job), 5 years ago, there wasn't room for art making. My time and energy went to parenting, to all the pedantic, mundane and creative things in being there, feeding and making that dream - raising my child. my family, creating a place of love and joy and mindfulness; Not recreating the horrors of my past, but learning and making better choices for this child, toward the things I believe are most important today.

Art for the sake of art did not seem relevant to all that. I was creating differently, not exactly tangibly.

I have made some art in these years, kitchen art, photography, costumes, holiday environments, book pages, toy designs, space imaginings, drawings, graphics, collages, and blogging. Here and there and out of boxes and drawers and kitchen cabinets, sketching on the subway and on my home computer. I started under-the-bed boxed projects and have made commitments to be consistent and steadfast...10 minutes a day...70 minutes a  week...and as meditation. And there isn't much to show for it, but I believe there will be.

In some ways I try to justify my choices, that the fulfillment I got from art making is replaced or refilled by raising my child and other life directions and designs; choices...FROM THE INSIDE OUT...I've made and continue to make as I evolve and grow, redefine and clarify my self, my dreams, my ideas of what art making is, of what creativity is, of what feeds me, makes me happy and is relevant and fulfilling to me today.

And I guess I continue following the path of discovery and commitment to my journey and my goals and dream of having it all fit together, supported. supporting, fun, fulfilling and full of love and creativity. Even though sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, haunted by fears and the "what am I going to be when i grow up" and "how am I going to get to that dream" believing I never will and cant see any way that any choice is ever going to lead me there. but then I also wake up and can start again and find the joy and enjoy the moment and be grateful for what I have and the choices I make every day.

Passageway, 2000

detail

(I am reminded of one really large piece I made with thread and pins, at my studio on 38 Av. in 1999-2000, It took me months to finish. It was ambitious. I couldn't transport it to be in the exhibition I was preparing for, nor could I take decent photographs of it (what was I thinking when I began it?). It was so much about the space it created, the drawing, the scale. It became a symbol of me, for me, of spirit energy, femininity, goddess, far bigger than I and where it could take me by making it. I miss the ability to work in that scale. I long for the space. the openness. The room of my own.)

Five Year Anniversary

This past day has been the fifth anniversary of my new job as mother, parent, mama, protector, provider, soother, playmate, entertainer, orator, listener, magician, inventor, storyteller, manager, chef, day designer, teacher, heavy, discipline-r, researcher and student.

Five years of joy learning and practicing to be a better person. Learning how to create an environment and life of love, creativity, kindness and joy!

What a journey, what a joy, what a blessing I have have been given.

21 Days

Week three has come and gone. I have waned. My meditation comes and goes. My focus has somehow sharpened a bit. I have not had the time to stay in touch with the group, the postings, the experiences of others. To be part of the community. I didn't commit to that but I have really wanted to take the opportunity to join in this daily meditation. All has been fine, although I wish I could have read more of the book and listened to the audio. I haven't. As Sharon Salzberg says herself, there is always another moment, anytime to take another breath, start again. I will continue to follow these 28 days. Starting with a new breath tomorrow.  And after that, I can start again, another 28 days, and another, and anoth...

Day 14 Valentine

My meditation practice has not been consistent. It has ebbed and flowed, less time, more time, according to my work and parenting schedule. Parenting has been a big focus this past week. In the throes of transitioning my child (and myself) through a new challenge. Despite anything I said, somehow my husband made some very good parenting choices and gently placed our son back on the horse that threw him off. He seems fine now; he confronted that fear and is ready to move on to the next challenge.

What an incredible breath of relief I can take.

My days ahead are full with promise and focus.
and I am eager to have a long sit tomorrow.

7th Day

The 7th Day of February. The 7th day of my participation in the 28 day meditation program as set out by Sharon Salzberg in her book Real Happiness. I've been a bit marginal in my participation. I ordered the book, but have not yet received it so I m not following her direct words. I did download and read the first, rather introductory (and brilliant!) chapter of Real Happiness. I have even been reading the postings of others' in  this 28 day practice. Plus yes, I too have been actively participating, by meditating too, every day. So far so good, a little bit at a time. Although I can speak about these experiences in detail, each individually but I have not been consistent about my time of mediation (not exactly recommended) nor the length of time. (I am doing the best I can on that) All in all it has been wonderful to follow through, have an extra motivation to do this daily, to keep doing. My best day and longest duration was when I had a day off work on 2/2, today my most difficult day to let go of my thoughts, detach from them and stay in concentration of my breath, was shortened and troubled. My whole day followed likewise. I later noticed the full moon this evening. Ah ha. I praised her beauty and cursed at her gravitational effects of my emotions and perceptions.

This first week has been suggested to focus on Concentration (Breathing and the Art of Starting Over) that I am practicing. The following week on Mindfulness and the Body.

I am grateful for the small bit I can participate in, reading others experiences/blogs, being part of this meditation community lead by a great and thoughtful author/teacher like Sharon Salzberg. And I am grateful for the opportunity to notice, concentrate, focus and to begin again and again, back to my breath.

Too soon

I walked through the garden district, on 28th Street.
First I was hit with the sweet smell of lilacs in bloom. Then bundles of pussy willows. Oh how I love their soft touch. Wow all those bulb flowers, daffodils and the other fragrant bulbs. I see the plants pushing up from the soil in the parks and gardens of home too.

But it is too soon, these are all the signs of spring. Today is still January and though I am enjoying the warm winter I know it is odd, even somewhat eerie. I am grateful for the cold of winter when it comes. It makes me love the warmth of spring even more.


 

 

Little yellow cup

Little yellow frill

Little yellow star

and that's a daffodil!

Shhhh...

 I have to say, I am very happy to report, I have been in such good spirits these past weeks/month and it is continuing. I don't want to say it too loud or cause it to change. Granted, my mood, as always goes up and down but I have been feeling very Hopeful and that is keeping the spirits high ....

New Year, New Perpectives

2012
Not hard to spell that string of numbers out.
The holidays glided by with joy and relative ease this year. Some difficult moments, but we got through them and are learning new ways to to ease forward. Trying to keep the comfort & joy in the everyday. That is a difficult task. I'm learning I have to seek help and acceptance with each of the small and large challenges. Immediately.

I was relieved when parties and celebrations were over after January First or Second. Glad to get back to the regular routine. But the holidays officially ended today, Monday, January 9th, the morning my son woke up and said "who took our tree". I am glad we had it up as long as we did. Thank you tree for giving us your life, sharing yourself in our house for a month, lighting our days and brightening our hearts. We even added new ornaments to our tree on this morning.  But still it was time. The city sanitation still collects them and makes useful mulch out of the trees up until January 14th.

I have not yet posted my 2011 gratitude's or my 2012 affirmation prayers. Coming Soon.

December 25

Christmas Day, the final day on this advent calender

We woke early eager to see the new treats and special packaged gifts! A glorious day of fun and gift giving, playing with toys, eating delicious food and a great time was had by all.

December 24

Chocolate treat with message

             Enjoy Christmas Eve with Grandpa, Mama and Papa

  

December 23

Chocolate treat with message

                Greet Grandpa and play games together

     

December 22

Chocolate treat with message

                 Hum Christmas Songs together

         

December 21

Fruit treat with message

              Read a specially personalized Christmas Book together

       

December 20

Chocolate treat with message

             Make Chocolate Pretzels with candy cane & sprinkles

      

December 19

Chocolate treat with message

                   Sing Christmas Jingle Bells together