Deep Sleep

 

Last night was the first night I slept deeply, in a month. I fell asleep with my son. I had to work hard to open my eyes this morning. Already late for work. Yesterday was my last class, my final project completed and turned in. Chapter one is completed. whew. Pursuing this program, this path, I am expanding myself, my life, my way of seeing but I still feel so doubtful as to why now. Questions such as this and others like is it worth it, keep ringing in my ears. And like the bird in the hand or 2 in the bush I question my choices... I am sacrificing time, the present, with my son among other things. choosing a lot of "don't you want to watch a movie" so I have time to do homework. And my easy irritation because I am not sleeping enough- stealing time after my boy goes to sleep to finish my projects. These are not good things. Are they worth it?


I have not felt like I have been the mother, the partner, the person I want to be in these challenging days. In all that work, school, mothering, worrying, cramming, figuring, pushing, expanding and seeking. Not surprisingly, I have found that I have sacrificed some of my self-care and peaceful practices as well- practices that have proven to help and support me in the past to stay mindful and centered- sober in every sense. I have developed some new practices though, more truncated ones I guess. Yet, I have sustained some moments of peace and sharing peace.

This check-in here, this blog, connecting to this peace, this community, and to others, my dear friends, in my local community. Though posting has been infrequent, it has all been a great reminder and a practice in itself. Making commitment and hearing other commitments to peace, in the day to day. The day to day courage of others. That has sustained me. 

Thank you all.


So I continue to find ways to make peace, give my piece to peace, in each day. And my commitment is to continue through this month of December to be present to myself, my family, my loved ones and to all. Peaceful, present, mindful and loving.