How can I support my dream(s)?

As I am evolving...How can I support my dreams? They are shifting, changing, as I am.

I lived to make art, that is what I followed, created, did, studied, ate, drank, viewed, dreamed, wanted ...it made me happy, fulfilled. I had a way to say what I needed, to communicate, to express, to share my spirit.

When I shifted my focus to mothering my child (and keeping my job), 5 years ago, there wasn't room for art making. My time and energy went to parenting, to all the pedantic, mundane and creative things in being there, feeding and making that dream - raising my child. my family, creating a place of love and joy and mindfulness; Not recreating the horrors of my past, but learning and making better choices for this child, toward the things I believe are most important today.

Art for the sake of art did not seem relevant to all that. I was creating differently, not exactly tangibly.

I have made some art in these years, kitchen art, photography, costumes, holiday environments, book pages, toy designs, space imaginings, drawings, graphics, collages, and blogging. Here and there and out of boxes and drawers and kitchen cabinets, sketching on the subway and on my home computer. I started under-the-bed boxed projects and have made commitments to be consistent and steadfast...10 minutes a day...70 minutes a  week...and as meditation. And there isn't much to show for it, but I believe there will be.

In some ways I try to justify my choices, that the fulfillment I got from art making is replaced or refilled by raising my child and other life directions and designs; choices...FROM THE INSIDE OUT...I've made and continue to make as I evolve and grow, redefine and clarify my self, my dreams, my ideas of what art making is, of what creativity is, of what feeds me, makes me happy and is relevant and fulfilling to me today.

And I guess I continue following the path of discovery and commitment to my journey and my goals and dream of having it all fit together, supported. supporting, fun, fulfilling and full of love and creativity. Even though sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, haunted by fears and the "what am I going to be when i grow up" and "how am I going to get to that dream" believing I never will and cant see any way that any choice is ever going to lead me there. but then I also wake up and can start again and find the joy and enjoy the moment and be grateful for what I have and the choices I make every day.

Passageway, 2000

detail

(I am reminded of one really large piece I made with thread and pins, at my studio on 38 Av. in 1999-2000, It took me months to finish. It was ambitious. I couldn't transport it to be in the exhibition I was preparing for, nor could I take decent photographs of it (what was I thinking when I began it?). It was so much about the space it created, the drawing, the scale. It became a symbol of me, for me, of spirit energy, femininity, goddess, far bigger than I and where it could take me by making it. I miss the ability to work in that scale. I long for the space. the openness. The room of my own.)