Toward the LIGHT

I am sad today and a lot these days. September, always a difficult month for me, especially because my mother's birthday falls on the 20th. This colors the whole month, even more so than the month she died. I was so angry at her for dying in the month of December, I thought it would forever ruin that magical month, which includes my birthday and Christmas. But drat, it is not the only month "ruined" with loss and sorrow.  This September is especially bad for more reasons than the anniversary of 9/11, the loss of my mother and the loss of my unborn child. And even the 10th anniversary of all those things...

I am sad for my son too. I see myself through him and what he is missing from me, the things I am missing in myself. I am so lost in this time of uncertainty. This makes me focused on trying to make sure to be here for the things that are here. And thus, I am not giving all I wish I could. Things like giving in, playing,  joyful creativity and loving togetherness. Those are missing. I can't even fathom the idea or the time to make things, or to play things together. We play in the park, play board or card games, we read, he reads, we eat, we plan and talk about things, we have life. and together all 3 of us. And yet I'm busy trying to set traditions, make some rules and boundaries and find it is all a struggle. Plus, I feel continually compelled to teach him, and often expect him to be more cooperative than he is. And I wish it could just be fun. I wish I could be fun. He is mostly always fun and joyful, until I try to control him or change his direction. Then he puts up a big resistance which usually begins and ends with tears and tantrums. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. We have all had much fun this summer. I am grateful for the connections we've made and still making. the things we've done. I am recognizing that I am missing creating things, having that kind of fun together.

Saying all of that, though it may be true, but I am somewhat disoriented with this and many of my other recent deep revelations. The truth is, at this time, I cant do anything. The inner and outer air is heavy with sorrow and I have to remember that I am here- holding the space in my heart, now and much this month, for those personal losses, my mother, my unborn child, and then all those larger hearts and losses too. And now too, holding space for my dear grandmother transitioning from this world, to go up to the stars, toward the light.